What’s wrong with my art?
Every new art projects has felt (to me) like it starts in a sprint on paved running track, before being plunged into quick sand.
Or is it me?
I’ve always suspected it’s a personality flaw.
I must lack talent. Or lazy. Or weak. Or stupid. Or all of the above. And a hundred more negative traits.
I hit the pause button
After a post about my then-new collection of the mighty girls, I felt the urge to run away from everything I am familiar with.
Next, I dropped off from communication. Instagram, messages, internet, and phone calls.
I stopped making art.
No sewing dolls, no painting, no sketching.
I did think about doing them though.
But I resisted.
Hibernation helps animals survive
Depending on your viewpoint, I am either an animal or a subset of the kingdom anamalia.
Whichever it may be, I thought anyone could benefit from a little sabbatical.
A few days of rest and incommunicado would be good for me, I knew, as it always has.
Then, I went about buying fresh vegetables from the market, chores around the house, experimenting new vegan dishes.
And I engulfed one book after another on my wish list.
Within days, something was different.
My husband told me that I look fresher.
Then, he spilled between sheepish grins, that my usual quick temper has not made an appearance.
Learning to do nothing
What more, I took a sudden interest in his recent return to meditation.
A few meditation books were then added to the top of the lengthy reading list.
Following which, at least once a day, I sat–doing absolutely nothing.
Not even thinking.
Well. It’s more like an attempt at not thinking then actually being able to go blank.
A new clarity
One day, I felt clear.
Two weeks have passed since my the start of my ‘break’.
I was aware of a tension arising in me.
My shoulders stiffen whenever I think about the ‘responsibility’ I have to art making.
And, to assure my friends I’m alive.
Like what I’ve been learning to do with thoughts that arises during meditation, I did not respond to these fears, or imagined risks.
I suspect these fears are the very culprits of the sense of unease, mentioned at the beginning of this post.
Few more weeks later
A few more weeks have passed, I did not return fully to communication or art making.
I’ve gained insights in many areas I’ve struggled with emotionally.
Many I didn’t even know I have.
Clarity does not automatically bring solutions.
However, the new awareness allows me to see what’s wrong with my art.
I wasn’t connected to my art not because I can’t make art.
The discovery reaches far deeper than I was prepared to go…