Finding my problem with art

mini pocket girl doll with blue hair, looking down, contemplating

What’s wrong with my art?

Every new art projects has felt (to me) like it starts in a sprint on paved running track, before being plunged into in by quick sand.

Or is it me?

I’ve always suspected it’s a personality flaw. I must be lack talent. Or lazy. Or weak. Or stupid. Or all of the above and a hundred more negative traits.

I hit the pause button

After a post about my then-new collection of the mighty girls, I felt the urge to run away from everything I am familiar or comfortable with.

No contact

Next, I dropped off from communication. Instagram, messages, internet, and phone calls.

No creating

I stopped making art. No sewing dolls, no painting, no sketching. I did think about doing them though. But I resisted.

Hibernation helps animals survive

wrinkly baby rhinoceros handmade fabric eco doll

Depending on your viewpoint, I am either an animal or a subset of the kingdom anamalia. Whichever it may be, I thought anyone could benefit from a little sabbatical.

A few days of rest and incommunicado would be good for me, I knew, as it always has. Then, I went about doing buying fresh vegetables from the market, chores around the house, experimenting new vegan dishes, reading one book after another on my wish list.

Within days, something changed.

My husband told me that not only do I look fresher, my usual quick temper has not made an appearance.

Learning to do nothing

Sage the dandelion darling pink pocket doll handmade ooak

What more, I took a sudden interest in his recent return to meditation.

A few meditation books were then added to the top of the reading list.

Following which, at least once a day, I sat– doing absolutely nothing.

Nothing. Not even thinking. Well. It’s more like an attempt at not thinking then actually being able to go blank.

A new clarity

One day, I felt clear.

Two weeks have passed since my the start of my ‘break’, I was aware of a tension arising in me whenever I think about the ‘responsibility’ I have to making art, and assuring my instagram friends that I’m alive.

Like what I’ve been learning to do with thoughts that arises during meditation, I did not respond to these fears , or imagined risks. I suspect these fears the the culprits of the sense of unease mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Few more weeks later

pocket soft kookie in sleeping bag. it is a anxiety pocket doll

A few more weeks have passed, I did not return fully to communication or art making.

I’ve gained insights in many areas I’ve struggled with emotionally. And some of them I didn’t even know I have.

Clarity does not automatically bring solutions. However,the new awareness allows me to see what’s wrong with my art.

I wasn’t connected to my art not because I can’t make art.

The discovery reaches far deeper than I was prepared to go…

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